Productive busy, non-productive, going through the motions, can we, can I, ignoring my feelings, trying to analyze my feelings, trying to find answers, not wanting answers, trying to relax, feeling guilty relaxing…. This is what my life is like on a daily.
I haven’t slept in weeks and I finally took some OTC meds, (Advil PM) to get a good 3 hours… WOOHOO!!! I have no problems going to sleep, but once I am up (2hrs later).. I won’t go back to sleep till 5:30am or not at all. My mind races about stupid things I have no control over. Things in my past that I can’t change.
I’ve tried the boring reading, the History channel (I get engrossed), I’ve listened to audible (get engrossed again)… nothing.
I feel like my life is at a stand still. (which it is). “Is this MY choice?”, I ask. I can’t move forward until I let go of the past. (This is what I keep reading in all my self-help books.) The problem is, my past is still not behind me. I am still a married (separated) woman. It has been since April 12, 2015 since he has left and I had 1 rebound boyfriend for 4mths and decided that was not a great idea. I have since been a single mom, an unavailable (unattached) woman, a working woman, a woman who is trying to find the light at the end of this tunnel. I have kept my mouth shut (even though so many times I’ve wanted to text…”GET THIS SHIT OVER WITH!!!!! or come back home” would I really want him back???(sigh)) to my wasband, but have decided against it. I will hold out and look the part of being in control (even though I know this is far from the truth). I am hurting.
This is a beautiful photo my sister took back in the summer of 2010, after we had Aspen and I was so in love with this man. I was so in-love with my life. This is what true happiness looks and feels like.
Recently, I’ve had numerous people say, “you look great, you’re glowing, you look happy, etc..” “WoW!!” I say, “can I act.” I just smile and say, THANKS! and nothing more. I am tired of hearing myself talk about the same old, sob story of being a divorcee, raising 2 young beautiful children. Because, in reality..it sucks!!!! But I HAVE to be a SUPER mom!!! because I CAN do it all, and I DO!!!
I’ve had someone near to me say I am selfish, that it’s all about me… “WoW” was my reaction to that statement. I guess someone’s else’s perception is their reality, but I know it doesn’t have to be mine. I know the truth and I can look in the mirror and be proud of what I have done for others; my mom, my kids, my boss, my patients, my friends… I also know that it takes 2 people to mess up a relationship, (be it friends, lovers, family)… It is never a one-sided story. – This is another issue, I have no control over and it must take its course, just as my divorce does.
So, I guess in some ways I feel I am divorcing 2 important people in my life. People that I thought would be there to love me “just the way I am”, good, bad, and imperfect.
I am not looking for answers, I am not looking for sympathy… I am looking for people who can just stand with me; beside me to walk the path with me, behind me; just in case I fall.
I know the Lord above is with me every day and for that I am grateful! My life is the way HE wants it to be.. I just need to learn the lesson he is teaching me.
-From someone who is lonely, who is still hopeful and in love with my past